Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
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When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
the official breakfast of 2021
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.