Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
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My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!