*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
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The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
definitely did not do anything wrong
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
“A little help here, Danny?”
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.