me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
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I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Beards are a privilege, not a right
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source