“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
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Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.