I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
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My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.