We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
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“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
just make the entire table out of coaster
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.