We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
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You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*