I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
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microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.