moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
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There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
cyclists
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.