The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
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To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
I came this close!!!!
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting