KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
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I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.