Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
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First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
I want to meet the individual who made this
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery