For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
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The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Chemical wingman
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
“You’d better run, egg!”
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have