I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
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Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
I am having an out of money experience.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…