The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
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MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
If you want my opinion ask my wife
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Meowchelangelo
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(Electricians.)
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If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
the battle rages on
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CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.