The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
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You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.
Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
“Too many boys”
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”