CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
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I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
The internet is full of many things
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”