And then there were 4
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Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
A friend helps you before you need it
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s