Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
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In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.