It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
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The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.