*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
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Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Cool shirt 🙂
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.