Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
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My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.