“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
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Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.