The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
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7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?