One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
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I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
My first son he is wonderful
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.