If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
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I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.