It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
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When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you