It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
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I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”