At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
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Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere