Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
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Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
It has been 3 years since Monday.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?