Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
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WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Not my job 😂
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.