Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
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[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras