nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
![]()
You Might Also Like
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
![]()
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.