I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
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Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Not today, today.
Not today.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.