Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
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If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”