Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
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Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
The Compass
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Is anyone gonna tell them?
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Banking tips
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”