If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
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I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.