If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
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cushion on the right slightly discoloured
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me