If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
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The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
ok this is my dumbest yet
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Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
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Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.