baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
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still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
broke down and did it
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.