getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
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Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.