“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
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Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
every college guy’s fridge