Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
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Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Wise advice
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Wednesday
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.