If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
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I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy