Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
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Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
The booster protects against what, now?
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
WHY?!
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch