Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
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It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
My ideal weight is five million dollars
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.