Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
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Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
This is me 🤣🤣
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.