Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
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Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail