@NikiWithIssues

Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.

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@OllyiConic

INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure

@JohnLyonTweets

[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.

@Birdhumms

70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.

@SwearySpice

Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.

@Ivsy01

Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.

@AnkCoupleTO

KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when

[several hours later]

KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when

@KizerBillhelm

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

@Mom_Overboard

Someone: your tweet is unnecessary

Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT