Just so funny
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
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INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when
[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT