People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
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“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.