my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
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Not messing around
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
But that’s none of my business