*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
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Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
This is enough internet for the day.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?