when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
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AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
lol
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
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