lol
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*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done