There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
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ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
I have never heard an armadillo before.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
23. the denim jacket
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me