I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
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Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
*Goes to work*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO