@jannable9

I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?

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@heatherlou_

I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.

Except you. You get under me.

@imence2

Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.

@bobvulfov

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

@AngieDavisHaha

There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.

@MelKassel

HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps

@deloisivete

Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe

@MelvinofYork

I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.

@Jake_Vig

“Grapey.”

-me after every wine at the wine-tasting

@Faungirl123

*jogging*

Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up

Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*

@danchovy

I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right