Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
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Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I鈥檓 going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Do馃憦not馃憦remove馃憦the馃憦exquisite馃憦painting馃憦from馃憦my馃憦wall馃憦and馃憦open馃憦the馃憦hidden馃憦safe馃憦if馃憦you馃憦don’t馃憦want馃憦to馃憦find馃憦a馃憦smaller馃憦version馃憦of馃憦the馃憦same馃憦painting馃憦
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
i just blocked everyone who鈥檚 face i don鈥檛 like, so if you鈥檙e seeing this鈥iii
I hate when I think someone鈥檚 funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there鈥檚 some transferable skills there.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Thursday
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i鈥檇 accomplish more
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.