an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
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Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
This is sending me to another galaxy
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”